THE WEST SIDE SPIRIT (July 9th, 2008) 

In the USA female performers were considered to be one level below the prostitute as she worked for much less money and worked harder as the bishop said. Many times in pre-union days performers were left stranded on tour when a show was failing and the producer hightailed it out of town with the box office proceeds. The women were often forced to sell themselves in order to get enough money to get home and get some food. Hence the beginning of the unionization of the acting trade. No its not a profession which you will find out when you try to explain a deduction for the purple dye you put on your under arm hair in that showcase to a puzzled IRS agent..

There is a statue on Broadway to a guy who was a union buster, a jumped up fraud named George M Cohan and though I am not fond of pigeons I bless them for the splendid work they do in decorating the head and shoulders of “Union Buster George.”

Now to get work as a professional actor it is generally necessary to have an agent and to belong to the appropriate union such as Screen Actors Guild (SAG), American Federation of Television & Radio Artists (AFTRA) and Actors Equity Association (Equity). To get an agent you need to seen in a show and to be in a show you need an agent. To get a professional job you are expected to be in the union and to get into the union you need to get a professional job back on. Hah! A cursory look at the average human body will show an abundance of fat on the arse whose function is for falling back on. So ignore that advice.

The actor has to have the capacity to be astonished, not to mention dumbfounded, when in the course of the pursuit of the elusive job he/she is actually offered a paying part in a show. Most of the time it’s a no but then each no is one step closer to the yes.

The actors will discover all kinds of things about themselves as to why they did not get the part, to wit they are too young, too old, too thin, too fat, too blonde, too dark, too tall, too short, too toothy,  too gummy,  too black,  too white,  too gay,  too straight,  too awkward, too hairy, too bald and the rejections are so numerous the actors will wonder if they have any business in showbusiness.  But take my advice because I never use it: it is a wonderfully miserable life, filled with hope and despair, so don’t give up, just surrender.  You will find that nails are meant to be chewed in place of food and are a good source of calcium.

Do not judge the human race by the visually impaired, brain damaged, low IQ casting directors, producers and directors who cannot appreciate your obvious talent and the success that would envelope the project should they cast you. Should you become a star, rather than an actor, you will regret the loss of anonymity in public places and the flight of privacy. But you will be able to order in and when necessary you can have your bodyguard stave off the raging hordes. See you on the set.

Sez I to myself.

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